ALL I CAN HEAR IS THE CREEKING OF THE STAIRS, BEEN WEEKS SINCE IVE SEEN THE SUN'S REIGNING GLARE. SO AFRAID TO LEAVE THIS SOLITUDE, IM HOLDING THE STAPLER IVE GOT THE GLUE BUT WHATS REALLY PUTTING ME BACK TOGETHER IS ME AND YOU. 

im just not okay and i dont know what else to do but retreat and methodically plan my approach....
im in love with you. im so fucking in love with you and its so gd exhausting. everyday, in every way. and its not bad its good but its exhausting and my heart is tired and is just trying to give something thats been overshadowed by fear...fear of death the most...and fear of loss, ambiguous death. sometimes i feel thats worse...when someone is still on this earth alive but they are dead to you. its all so fucking messy so damn depressing and its pressing down hard on my chest tonight, my soul is sick with the feeling somethings not right and its all i can do to fight, against my own will, gotta kill that piece of you left inside because when shit got hard, you did your best to make me cry.  it worked every time. And right on schedule, down your rabbit hole i fell, like some hypnotizing spell. i betrayed myself tonight, ran backward away from the light, forgot my life. now these words are pouring from my gut, trying so hard to stay up. sleep is always playing hide and seek with me, but when it takes me, it pulls me under deep. but on nights like these, there is no reprieve. these thoughts wont leave, and i need an escape, i pray the music will take, Me, where i need to go, volume up, lights down low

YOU SEE THE DARK CIRCLES UNDER YOUR EYES, I SEE THE KINDNESS BEHIND THEM; A SOVEREIGNTY.  

YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I'M HELD CAPTIVE; YOU AMAZE ME

IF ONLY YOU COULD SEE WHAT I SEE.

 IF YOU WERE A SONG, MY FINGERTIPS WOULD NEVER LEAVE THE IVORY.

I can't tell you what I need to, so I pop another pill or two. It's how I deal, with this ridiculous little hamster wheel. Why can't I just tell you how I feel? Why do I brush you off like it's not real? If you only knew how it sweeps me off my feet just laying on your chest listening to your heartbeat. How every night I miss what I know would be the perfect kiss. I just can't break through this. I built these walls up so high because I just can't weather another heart wrenching goodbye. But you woke the butterflies, got me tongue tied. If only I could get on the outside. If only I could tell you how much I love your soul. How just being next to you makes me feel whole. If you only knew how I'd shower you with everything you deserve. If only my knees would stop shaking and I could build up the nerve. I would hold you in my arms and never let you go. I would love you every second of every day, and then you'd know, how incredibly deep I treasure your heart. I'll be the girl that finally puts you together instead of tearing you apart. I'll protect you from the madness outside, be your safe place to hide. I'll hold on tight. I won't leave your side. I won't take you for granted or forsake your love. Because we are the stuff dreams are made of.

IT'S NOT ABOUT WHAT WE SAY, IT'S ABOUT WHAT WE DON'T SAY, WHEN YOU LOOK AT ME THAT WAY. YOU KNOW WHAT WAY, BUT LIKE I SAID...WE DON'T  EVER SAY. SO HERE WE STAY, ME IN YOUR ARMS, OUR DAMAGE GETTING IN THE WAY, WHEN YOU ASK ME TO STAY, I KISS YOU ON YOUR FOREHEAD AND WALK AWAY. BECAUSE I'M AFRAID I'LL SAY WHAT I'M SCARED TO DEATH YOU WANT TO SAY.

WISH I COULD SAY THESE THINGS TO YOUR FACE
BUT BABY I'M BARELY KEEPING UP THE PACE.
I MISS YOU SO MUCH TONIGHT,
HOLDING ONTO YOUR T SHIRT EXTRA TIGHT. 

I'm up too late again tonight, smoking too many cigarettes, listening to Melanie Martinez. Wondering what it is, about you that's got me on cloud nine. getting lost in the sky, imagining what it would be like if you were mine. I swear I've never laughed so hard, I feel me falling too far. So afraid I might lose myself again, so I let you close but I don't let you in. My mind overwhelmed with my over reactions, use them other boys as a convenient distraction. Because just the thought of you brings me a happiness I'm afraid to trust in, I try to block it out, But it always rushes in again and again. The other night I watched you sleeping and I know you think it's creepy. But I couldn't help myself, you were so beautiful. I wanted to kiss you on your forehead but I just hugged you instead. Because it's just too soon to be over the moon.